( Jillian's post )

11.48PM; but i don't want to sleep yet, because then it'll make tonight another night i cry myself to sleep.

A doctor can't heal himself. Neither can a priest confess himself. Sometimes we are the smartest people in the whole damn world. Until we come to ourselves. Because wad we say isn't jus philosophy, isn't jus direction, isn't theory that we wrote and realise -- EVERYTHING WE SAY THAT STOPS OTHERS' TEARS IS JUST COMFORT. That's why, it doesn't matter what you say, u will cry harder than anyone else u wiped tears for.

I jus spoke to him.


' " EfeMe®tz™ - h s u y en (F) when eternity ends. i'll be sure to see u again. dat way, eternity is just a wait. says:

sumtimes we find good ppl

' " EfeMe®tz™ - h s u y en (F) when eternity ends. i'll be sure to see u again. dat way, eternity is just a wait. says:

but not the right one

HE㲙 says:

if i end up with u probably u cant tahan me

Then the conversation went on.

He told me all the good things about her.

Imagining trying to be everything good in one person's eyes. And they go on in completely love mode about sumone else. Realising he's seen sumone else wen all the while u wer standing naked on the hill waving a flag with a heart on it. S'not me. It will never be me. Not now, not ever.

It didn't occur to me that me calling him everynight ..jus to find out if he's eaten, jus to make sure he's fine, jus to make sure he has sumone to talk to if he has no one.. even if he does, show him i will be der no matter no matter what rain or blood comes. .. i didn't realise, that even dat showed him i MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE HIM IF HE'S COLD , QUIET , OR NOT CARING SUMTIMES which he reasoned, was "lucky" for me that i din end up with him cous i'd never be able to tahan him..

Maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed like everything about her was the opposite of me, and ...yeah, yeah. I felt like he was indirectly, showing me exactly that point.

I'm the opposite.

"She's sumone I want".

"SHE'S SUMONE I WANT".

YOU... you, will... NEVER, NEVER KNOW, how that CUT through my heart till i felt blood all over me although it's spposed to be on the inside.

If you think about the fact that he knows I want to be the one he wants..

and says that..

it means " JILLIAN, UR NOT. THE ONE I WANT. UR NOT LIKE HER. I DON'T WANT YOU."

That was wen the tears came pouring.

I noe it's unfair i'm saying this. I noe. I noe i noe it's VERY unfair i'm saying this :- BECAUSE i have a bf now, and BECAUSE ...i promised myself i left it behind.

Let go, Jillian.

LET, GO.

Let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. MOVE, because he's pushing you anyway.

I waited 3? 4? years? every damn night i missed him so, i cried myself to sleep. So much so to the point wher the tears don't come out on the outside, that u start crying on the inside cous ur eyes can't take it and ur heart can't take it, and u cry urself to sleep every nite whichever way it is til u can't tell the difference anymore.

AND now he ends up with a girl with the same NAME as me. Similar, at least.

Kanineh.

THEN AGAIN,

he's right. He's so very right.

Because I can't name one thing good about myself anymore. I can't. I'm now officially unfriendly, undecided, dry on love, AND ...sad. Let's not forget sad.

So it's just as well there is nothing for him to possibly love.

I can jus die.

For real.

What is love when it's supposed to include unconditional affection + togetherness but i'm lacking the togetherness?

He's right.

I'M "LUCKY" i'm not with him.

because i SHOULD THINK that way.

...because change me hate me or kill me, replay the past years, HE WOULD NEVER LOVE ME ANYWAY.

I think i'm going to drown myself in Amoeba'r tmr nite and come back and blog about vertigo.

AND NOTHING ABOUT HIM.

-Jillian ever changing, ever the same- ( because wen u make a 360 degree turn u wind up on the same spot )

this is ollie's personal space and my social space, i noe. and ollie i'm sorry. but they all have access to my blog. he has access to my blog. and i can't let him see me cry cos i'm typing "ahaha" on the screen while my tears roll..

talk the talk :D