New season, new skin, old beginnings, new endings.

There are some losses that can never be replaced. That's what I hate. Because I always try to be 'the bigger man' in life. And it when it doesn't work out it makes me feel lousy. Like how you realise you SHOULD HAVE done something but you didnt. Like how you wish u could change things but ur in a different space and time and it's jus too lil too late.

I wish I called you earlier.

Til now the only thing I can say over n over again is "i can't believe it".

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe I lost u for good. I can't believe that we laughed about all dat crazy shit and ur never gonna laugh about it with me again. I can't believe I lost you. I can't believe u will never be on the other end of the line again when I call. I can't believe ....i can't believe you are never coming back.

I can't believe i shared so much with you, and then ...you're jus not here anymore, i feel empty. I feel very very hurt. I feel lost. I feel like I need you but there's no possible way anymore. I can't call. I can't find you. I can't ...talk to you anymore. We can't laugh together anymore. I can't even laugh about it myself now.

However far I search or walk or as much as I cry I dunno where u are and I dunno if u see me o u noe I miss you very much. I miss u so so much u dunno how much it hurts me that I lost you.

Every night since Carey called, I cry before I sleep. I didn't cry last night, I drank a lot at Barzing and shot down Ollie's glass too.

I remember every night again, Ursula's party. U and dat red long sleeved shirt. I'll never see u in it again. I remember how u oways like to say "apalar u". I remember u sed u wer ugly and very very not cute. Ur so crazy. Then I told u u wer not. Remember u dunno how to talk to me the first time n u wer so quiet?

Then remember we got closer?

I was Alvin's gf but u noe I spend more time with u.

Then u felt a lil bad about it. U even thought he may be mad at u.

I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.

Tears keep falling, everytime I think of u. Because I will ALWAYS miss you. I'll never leave you behind okay? Because all I have is all the things we talked about, and now I can carry u in my mind and heart.

One day ur here,teaching me all the stupid crap.... u won't believe how stupid I am now. All the funny things we talked about. All the stuff we both noe. Like this i'm the only one left in the world with our secret? There's no point.

There is just no point.

I never even got to talk to u.
I never even got to say bye.
U dunno how bad ur making me cry.

I wished, after the first nite I heard it, that it was a punk. I cried so hard but i prayed so hard they were lying. I prayed so hard the next day I wake up n u'll call n laugh and call me stupid like u always do. Then my blogpost would be useless and stupid and I can delete it, laughing and crying at the same time. I prayed it was jus a joke. I prayed I heard wrong. I prayed so many ways for it to be impossible. And I woke up to more tears because it wasn't a nightmare and it wasn't a punk. N you were just not anywhere I could find anymore. I cried and I called ur name as hard as I could I'm so afraid u will not stick with me wherever u go.

U wer so close. U played with me in a way no one else noes how to. U say the funniest things onli I laugh at. U talk proper crap to me. U oways say I onli noe how to ask about food. Stupid, u oso like to eat wad. Suddenly I can never have a chance to see u gain. No matter how far I go or how hard I look. U just.. are not here anymore.

Everytime I scroll down my phone list I start crying because I know you won't pick up nemore. I noe u will never b on the other end again. I dunno if I can ever talk to u again.

I wish it never happened.

I wish it never happned.

I wish it never happened.

I'm so stupid. I wanted to call. Dat day. I jus felt like calling I dunno why. Scrolled down to ur name, but i didn't call. I wen out. I'm so stupid. So so stupid. If i called I would hear u again. I'm so damn stupid I should jus die.

All the things we talked about doesn't realli seem near now oso.

It seems far away.

I'll never get over it.

Never.

I'll never forget you.

I'll NEVER FORGET YOU.

Ah Sian i miss you.

Ah Sian i wish i could hear u again. Apalar u. Apalar me. Apalar us. REMEMBER?!

I rmr u fell into the longkang on the way home one day. Then I laughed at u. Cous u dunno wig drain is.. ahahha..

I can never laugh about it with u again rite?

All the things we talked about? It stays where it is rite? Cous ther's no one else hu will rmr it. Since ur not here with me nemore.

This sucks.

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER U, AH SIAN :)

Much love,
Jillian.


apalar u. dotadotadota.

talk the talk :D